Special Note: The image used here was the logo of the business a friend and I had together called “The Wonder of You.” It is so reflective of how I feel today more than ever. No that is not me in the picture nor anyone I know. It just reflects the true beauty of all of us in the mirror of Life!!
I feel like I have been given such an amazing gift the deeper I move into this journey with my friend Can-Seer. It is allowing me to see my life and the lives that surround me in a whole new Light. I am also being allowed to witness and fully participate in a relationship with this body like I never (had to) before.
I am so witnessing the law of attraction in motion every single day since this news was presented to me. There is not one health professional that has crossed my path that wasn’t joyful and filled with laughter of some sort. Thru the testing and the poking there has been a joyful light heartedness thru every moment with every person, for which, my gratitude overflows. In this sharing tho, I want to talk about the day of surgery and the few days after it.
The night before surgery, even tho I was upset about my PET/CT scan being rescheduled, I was still grateful to arrive at the day of my biopsies. I slept in such a state of peace, as I do every night. But something kept waking me during the night, not fully awake, but to the point of being semi-conscious that something else is happening.
Several times during the night I awoke feeling like someone was pulling on the energy strands connected to my entire head and neck area, I suppose it must be what taffy feels like when it is being pulled. I was aware (but did not see) of three presences around the back of my head doing this energy work. Whatever they were doing to my energy was creating a very dull headache in my brain and thru my semi-consciousness I told them, hey I cannot take ibuprofen for this headache you’re giving me, can you please let up. They didn’t. I could feel how important this energy work was that was being done, but had no understanding of it at all.
I woke up with a nice headache for which, I could do nothing about it. But it didn’t deter me from my gratitude that surgery day was finally here, the process of knowing exactly what is happening inside my body is soon to be revealed.
My first process in what was going to be a very long day was the mapping out of the sentinel lymph nodes around the now removed cancer on my back as well as the drainage site for those nodes. This test consisted of getting several needles injected around the cancer site filled with some sort of nuclear liquid. My own body was ok with this and said, it can handle processing it out of the body once it does its job. Good by me, I do have an awesome body!!
My biggest worry was how much its gonna hurt. I have been told this test picks and burns. I am such a wimp with pain. My doctor gave me a drug called Ativan to take 30 minutes before this test. She advised me to allow it to dissolve under my tongue. I did just that… nothing. It had zero effect on me, but my friend that stayed by my side for two days, seemed to leach the effect into her. Glad one of us got to have an affect. I later researched what it was supposed to do… relieve anxiety, which I had zero anxiety so there was nothing for this drug to do. During my research on this drug, I also read that if someone who does not have anxiety takes it, it can have a euphoric result. Well truly, I live my life in a level state of euphoria…
The hospital was also sure to put some goo on my back to promote numbing of that site to ease the pain. They warned me, sometimes it works, sometimes it didn’t.
When I finally was in the room to get these 7 needles, it was so easy. The four girls/ladies who worked on me were so happy, they joked, they giggled and made light of everything, I was grateful. There was no even so much as a prick on my skin thru this series of shots, no burning, no discomfort at all. They of course, gave credit to the goo, I give credit to the gal with the steady hands who injected me, but even moreso… to the laughing and happiness that was present in each of us in this room. They were even able to get two perfect images of my lymph nodes from the injections… my body was an absolute player on this adventurer. I felt so blessed on every level of being.
Then came the surgery itself. I so love happy people. It is sooooo important, even more important than I realized since I am now moving thru this experience first hand. My pre-surgical team was wonderful, happy, joking, and really good at what they did too.
My IV went in without a fuss, my blood pressure was perfect… the air of joy was everywhere. Even as they wheeled me into the operating room and that room was abuzz with even more people, I said wow, there are a lot of you in this room. One person said something that I felt deep in my heart “we are all here for you.” Even just remembering that brings tears to my eyes. It was not just a blanket statement, but something that was said beyond words. Spirit speaks thru every mouth!!
As they were trying to wake me up in the recovery room a memory was very much embedded in me from my surgery. The Light of every single prayer, every single ray of Love, I seen your Light in my surgery room. It was brilliant and multi-colored and so alive. I also knew, without a shadow of a doubt, my friends from the stars were with me in that room too. The love, the support, the energy field beyond my surgical team (but to include them as well) will stay with me forever.
Even in the recovery area, people were laughing and being happy. There was not one person in my entire day that was in a pissy mood. Not one. And trust me, you can feel pissy even thru a fake smile. I felt so blessed.
I actually became very aware of gravity too. I mean, we really don’t think about gravity at all. I know I didn’t until I tried to get up to go to the bathroom. My ass landed right back on the bed as I took for granted just standing up to get the feet moving. Even the feet now had lead weights attached to them and walking was an effort and a wobbly one at that.
I became even more excited when I went to the bathroom for the first time. I pee’d the most beautiful blue. It was as if the sky came thru me and filled the toilet. A piece of heaven in a porcelain bowl!! I was actually bummed when the next morning, the blue went back to whence it came.
On my semi-conscious walk out of the hospital, I did run into my surgeon and had the chance to ask him about the chest x-ray I had the week prior. He told me it came back all clear. Phew!!
When i woke up the day after surgery, joyfully in my own home, I was surprised at how good I felt. Yes, I was very aware I just had surgery, there is no denying that. But I was not in pain at all. It felt more like when you get one hellofa brush burn on your knee and you can feel the tenderness of the skin when you move. I did notice how swollen my fingers and my breast area was… but I also knew my body had just been chopped up, so swelling, I suppose, is to be expected.
They gave me a list of things to watch out for after surgery, to my surprise, swelling wasn’t on it. As the day progressed, I realized my swelling was getting intense. My fingers now resembled sausages and my neck and clavicle area was balloon like. Something inside of me said, this just ain’t right, so i called my doc (who is really a PA, but close enough, I see her as my doc too) and she agreed, more than usual swelling, it could be a blood clot. She wants me back in… geez. I am so not in the mood for more traveling, more traipsing around hospitals, but I want to be back with my children for Christmas so I will do what it takes to make sure I am indeed as well as I feel! Because I do feel good… really good.
I live close to an hour and a half from the hospital and an hour from the nearest city. I love love love my life in the Jemez but suddenly I felt so far away, but equally, I felt far away from my children too. It was a strange, fleeting feeling. Much to the nurse on the phones dismay, I told her I was going to drive myself to their office right now. She really wanted someone to drive me, which is not a possibility without pre-planning going on. She warned me that if it is a blood clot, it could move at any time. So I simply told her, so my choice is, die at home or on my way to you. I am choosing the latter and will be there in about 90 minutes.
I decided to put a little post on my facebook page asking for extra light on my journey to see the doctor. I was still picking anesthesia out of my brains… so the extra Light would help keep everyone safe. I really didn’t feel unsafe and was not 100% sure why I asked for the added light on my drive to Albuquerque until I was on highway 25 about a mile from my exist to the UNM Cancer Center.
When I am driving I always stay at least 3 car lengths away from the car in front of me. Always. Up ahead of me was this cluster of cars, 7 to be exact. Four driving bumper to bumper in the right lane, three keeping the bumper to bumper pace along side of them in the left lane. I watched as one of the cars on the right decided to shift into the left lane. Holy cow! That should have been an accident, all 7 cars had a second to react to his insanity. Each one of them reacted in perfect time, with the car he just pushed out of the lane moving into the next lane over for a split second, then this crazy driver hopping back into his original lane, and the cars that decided they needed to be on the bumper of the car that was originally in front of him, had to shift back. Yet, every single drive reacted with precision and split second timing. Instantly, I had seen the many people sending me extra light on my drive to the hospital and it helped this cluster of 7 cars be safe too.
I have said this so many times already, but you really do not realize the profoundness of your prayers and light. It (obviously) affects so much more than just the intended target. For which, I must again say thank you.
My ultra sound man was such a perky person too. I may not be a big fan of the trust issues of policy with UNM Hospital, however, I am a huge fan of the staff they have working there in every department. My veins were all clear and working as they should. Hurray!!
So I had a sit down with my doc (PA) and I so love her too. She so understands the world I live and breathe within… the world of spirit and metaphysical everything. So my time with her is so engaging and not filled with medical mumbo jumbo… but spiced up with the clarity of DNA, cells changing in this profound time on earth and her even saying cancer is a state of transformation. I love her so much!!
Then she told me what I did not know. I underwent a Level 1, Level 2 and a Level 3 biopsy meaning they pretty much biopsies every lymph node they could find from the site (sentinel site) to my arm pit. I was originally supposed to have a 3 lymph node biopsy that is what my body expected, that is what I expected. Not all of them!! I could feel it instantly when she said how much was done… my body was pissed. All my other lymph sites on my right side had to now work over time to release all the toxins in that area and to help all the injured ones that were in their own state of shock.
The swelling was my body’s way of saying,,, I am so not a happy camper here!!
Of course, not realizing the serious degree of invasion from my surgery, I also choose to take no time off for my own healing journey. My body was not happy about that either. Ohhh the things we get to learn along the way. I came home and decided to take two full days off, concentrating on loving my lymph nodes that have been removed and/or poked apart.
Yesterday, i was able to take the bandage off the “wide margin excision surgery” which was done on my back at the site of the melanoma itself. The above biopsies were done from the front, between my right breast and my arm pit. When the surgeon pointed with his fingers on my back, the area he will be removing, it was about an inch high by about 3-4 inches wide.
When my landlady took my bandage off yesterday and I looked in the mirror to see what they had done back there, holy freakin shit batman, I was not expecting to see such a huge gash across my back. Soooooo much more than I expected:
All I could think of when I had seen it was thank you body!! My body may have swollen in revolt, but it was not creating pain in my healing process. I don’t mind discomfort at all, and trust me, this is not comfortable, but there is no pain (like that stabbing kind) at all…. unless of course, I extend my right arm a bit too far or pick up something a bit too heavy. Of course, my doc has changed the amount of weight I can pick up at any given time from 10 pounds down to 5 pounds for the next 6 weeks.
Even before surgery she had given me a prescription for Percocet/oxycodone. I really had no intention on taking any, because like I said, I am not in pain, just uncomfortable. But yesterday early afternoon, my body wanted sleep. I had woken at 2:30am that morning and I know, thru this healing process, sleep is my friend. Laying down creates a feeling like the skin on my right side no longer fits me. It is too small and taught to be comfortable in. I decided to take one of my percocets just to take a good solid nap. Which I did for a wonderful 2 hours. But even waking up, I wasn’t even uncomfortable at all. Without my focus being on the need to not make various movements with my arm or even bending over, or actually even walking (gravity again… pulls my breast and creates a rather uncomfortable feeling that borderline hurts) allowed me to see what was really happening under the skin.
I laid on my couch, my handy dandy smart phone in hand… staying connected to those I love and still being at rest and still within, allowed me to experience the energy within me moving. I am not even sure I can explain it, but like all these puffs of energy was housed up from my armpit across my back… working. Healing. Restoring.
In all my life I have never taken something stronger than a Tylenol or ibuprofen for a headache or a toothache… this was my first adventure with something so strong and said to be highly addictive.
I realized there is even a gift in the drug industry. An industry I have not been a big fan of (altho, I have always been thankful for Tylenol and Ibuprofen.) This single pill added to the healing benefits of my own body in a way that allowed me to be a full participant within. I am now grateful for percocets too!!
I took one pill at noon yesterday and then one at 9pm when I awoke to that feeling of my skin not fitting me any more. I slept for a semi-solid 10 hours last night. I only woke up to wake my left arm up (It kept falling asleep cuz I was laying on it lol.) but at the same time, I was feeling and observing all the healing energy moving in my body. The prayers, the light energy being sent to me by my beloved friends was working and I could see it and feel it.
I also realized how important it is to sleep while the body is busy healing itself. It really allows itself to fully focus on itself.
I have awoken today in such a state of grace, of gratitude for everything that is my life, that surrounds my life. To be a loving witness and participant within a journey most people fear… cancer. It is as much a lover of life as we are. I am watching how participatory all of life is when the focus is on love and joy and wellness. Not once have I felt unwell, which is a wonderful feeling as I look at that big ole cut across my back. Obviously, my body is ok with it. It just needs my loving compassion too.
I feel so utterly blessed to be on this particular phase of my life’s journey, to be surrounded by love from all around the globe… and off the globe too. To be awake and aware as I watch my own beloved body transform itself from the inside out.
I have my follow-up doctors visit on Dec. 5th, if my groggy mind heard my surgeon correctly as I was leaving the hospital after surgery, I should have the biopsy results by then. My PET/CT scan is set for the 7th and my stitches will be removed on the 12th along with the full knowledge of all the testing results and will see where else this journey is taking me. Where ever it is, I am soooooo absolutely grateful to be upon it.
I just might gift myself one extra day of healing time because my body wants it. I have to chuckle as I hear the field in which I read from say “three full earth days for change to solidify.” I honor this process more than I could have even imagined. it is truly beautiful… as are all the hearts holding mine steady.
Thank you for being such a radiant part of my Life on ALL levels. All of earth, all of life is blessed because YOU LOVE!!
Thank you for loving me so much!
(((((HUGZ))))) in joy filled love and deep gratitude!