The All Clear / No Distant Metastasis Has Sounded.

(This image was sunset on 12/12/12 in my front yard, the glow and brilliance of the sky echoed the glow of my own cellular Being.)

Driving to the Cancer Center yesterday, I knew whatever they were going to tell me, had to be good.  I could feel my entire body celebrating already.  It is close to a 90 minute drive and I put on my song list and my lungs just belted out song after song after song (fortunately, I was driving by myself because with my voice, no one else would have been pleased about this!!)  But I know, there was so much more to this inner radiance that i was feeling and singing to… I could feel inside of me, all the Love that surrounds me, penetrates into me, that has become me from all around this world.  The Love you have sent and continue to send, is no longer an outside receiving feeling, but an absolute part of who I Am now!!

But wait, I am getting ahead of myself now.

Our beautiful, wonderful, crazy mind LOVES to worry.  Two days ago I started feeling really uncomfortable in the arm pit that had the lymph node biopsies done.  I looked in the mirror and I could visually see those lymph node all puffed out and swollen.  Oddly enough, the lymph nodes at my groin were in the same shape.  I have realized, until you know the whole layout of your insides when you have been diagnosed with cancer, even an off beat hic cup the minds says “oh shit, it’s cancer.”

When I started my shower on the 12th, getting ready for my doctor’s appointment, I realized I stunk to the holy heavens.  Why on earth am I so stinky, I haven’t even broken a sweat since my surgery on the 29th and its a balmy 25 degree’s outside…

As I scrub the stink off my arm pits, I remember.  I remember this smelling like this so many times in the past.  It happened every time I did a detoxifying massage on a client.  Then it hit me!!  OMG this is day number three of taking Essiac Tea gel caps.  I started (per their instructions) with a “detoxifying” amount of these pills.  Well, let me tell anyone who thinks you must drink the tea to receive the benefit of this concoction …. I am living proof that is not a true statement.  My stink and my lymph nodes are working overtime to detox my whole system.  It works WELL in gel cap form.  From the deepest part of my inner’s Susan… thank you!!

What is really funny with this story, it took a while before I could even stand to go into the bathroom again… it stunk in there even after inch by r my shower, now  that was strange and I really really stunk!!  Better out than in tho!! lol

As I sat in my Doctors office going over my health and family cancer history (again) with a new Doctor and he was asking me do I have this condition, that disease I finally stopped him and said, I am so incredibly healthy, well, minus this cancer thing, but other than that, I don’t even catch a cold.  In that moment he looked into my eyes, ya know those moments when you feel so deeply what is being shared and with a big smile on his face he said “you do look incredibly healthy.”   Then we were talking about how my body feels since the surgery, and I told him how surprising wonderful I have felt since the surgery, no pain at all.  My body was healing wonderfully .. minus my stink today.  He looked at me again, and said you do not stink, you are beautiful.  I knew spirit was so present in that man.  The cells inside my body starting rocking out… dancing on the ceiling even.  I really feel this way and now, a cancer doc is acknowledging it too!!  Yay!!

My PET/CT scan results still had not been read yet, so he placed a call to speed them up.  Finally… the news I was waiting for.  No cancer cells anywhere else in my body!!  He did say there was a lot of activity on the pet scan at my right arm pit (at the biopsy site) and I smiled to myself and thought about how much sugary sweet love that has been sent to me since surgery… of course my cells are having a blast.  In that moment, I didn’t even think more cancer.

Then my surgeon came in to go over the rest of this journey.  He again affirmed my PET was clear, and the only place any activity showed up was at the surgical sites and that is common.  We went over something I didn’t know til this point, we went over that wide incision biopsy on my back (the 9 inch by 1 inch removal of my skin at the melanoma site) and they said no other cancer was present.  There was only that one, single lymph node that contained it, and it was now in a biopsy jar somewhere.

My surgeon said something I was already leaning towards… he did not feel I need to have all or any of my lymph nodes removed.  I was so happy and told him I am grateful to hear that because I love my lymph nodes and wanted them to stay in me!!  He agreed they should!!  It was so hard for me to sit still, there was a major party happening in my body!!!

He then checked out his handy work and my body’s healing skill, and said it all looks great, but he is leaving the stitches in for one more week.  Fine by me!!   I happened to have already taken off one day next week, December 21st and that was perfect for them… this will not affect my already in progress reading schedule!

Of course, he does want me to start “clinical trials” just to keep my body safe.  I was so surprised when the appointment for the clinical trails doc wasn’t until January 9th.  The urgency that was once present feels like a glide across a floor now.  They also recommend that I go to the genetic marker department for blood tests, since cancer itself is so prevalent on both sides of my family tree to see if my DNA is predisposed to any particular cancer.  Okey dokey, pokey.  That is set for January 22nd.

Beyond being grateful for all this good news, the incredible team that is UNM Cancer Center, I am also so so so grateful for their financial aid thru this process.  There is not a test or procedure that they ask of me that I have to sit and worry about financially.  Each doctor visit is only $5 out of my pocket.  Each test is only $10 and surgery itself $25.  My greatest wish for all of this world… is to be provided this ability to be well, affordably.  It so makes all the difference in the wellness journey.

But there is something else that happened during my great news visit to my docs.  I have heard so many times that when you are near death, your whole life flashes before your eyes.  Well, I have got to say, when your whole life has been reinstated, the same happens.  For me, it was a condensed flash of my journey thru 2012.  And I knew exactly… I mean, exactly what I was going to do with 2013.

This will be shared (continued) in my blog under “The Shift of Time and Space” entitled “My Love Letter to You.”

I love you so much, and so much more than that… thank you for loving me to a clarity that is awe striking from it’s depth!!

((((HUGZ)))) of joy-filled gratitude!!

Lisa Gawlas

The Glow From Within – It’s Not Nuclear, It’s LOVE! Well, Mostly!!

I find it absolutely amazing how the body itself, knows whats good for it and what is not good for it.  My body has always been a very willing participant in giving blood.  Whether it was for the blood bank, or my own examinations, but the veins within my arms, always cooperated.  At least, until yesterday.

Dec 7th, I had my very first PET/CT scan.  The first thing that was done, draw blood to make sure my kidneys could process the nuclear stuff that will be going thru them.  Like usual, my vein popped up and gave my blood without effort.  The blood test came back good enough.

It seems my veins wanted nothing to do with this procedure, one collapsed in the effort of starting an IV.  The other arm just wouldn’t come out to play, my right hand said no way as well.  I watched in amazement, I have never had such a hard time getting an IV started, not that my body has had a lot of practice, but it has always been cooperative… until yesterday.

It came down to my left hand, the lovely lady working on me said if this one doesn’t take they are calling in a specialist team… geez, that sounds a bit ominous really.  The vein in my left hand started to wiggle out of the way of the IV, so I just closed my eyes, told my body, we don’t have to like this part of the journey, but we must have it done.  Please let that IV go in.  Within seconds… the IV was in place.

To me, that so shows the intelligence of the cellular body.  The conscious aspect of me had no clue what I was in for during this two for one scan, my cells, however, knew exactly.  What I realize this morning, all the cells of all the bodies on this wonderful earth, are linked together in their own consciousness.  I am not the first person on earth to receive this scan, so my cells already knew.

Me, I was busy understanding my own cancer, the staging I am in, all the numbers and stuff that goes in with the staging… the PET/CT scan was not even a concern I wanted to understand.    All that mattered to me with this scan was it will show me the details of the entirety of my body.  I want to know that.  Period.

When the lady brought the nuclear sugar that would make any cancer cells in my body glow with a sugar high, it was a bit daunting to see her toting a solid metal tool box to my chair.  Then she opens it up and there is a solid metal needle she pulls out and places in my IV.  Yikes!!  I had a reassuring talk with my body, we will let it do what it needs to do, then flush this stuff out of the system.

I really thought that was all the nuclear stuff I was going to have in me, but she didn’t take my IV out.  Instead I sat there in the chair for an hour allowing this nuclear sugar substance move thru out my entire body, then they took me in for the scan itself.

Now my body really has to cooperate with me.  My back is still very tender when laid upon, and in this shoot of a scanning device, I have to lay on my back, perfectly still for 12 solid minutes.  Just getting into a position I could sustain for a whole minute was a challenge .. so once again, I closed my eyes, went inside my body and said hey, we gotta do something that doesn’t hurt here.  I think our bodies come with its own numbing serum within because we found a way to hold that pose for close to 15 minutes without it hurting me.

But my own shock came when they hooked up my IV to yet another solid contraption.   I was told this is the nuclear dye for the CT scan!!  Geez, a double shot??  No wonder why my body wasn’t thrilled about this procedure.  But my heart knows, it has to get done.

My biggest worry was about getting a full and accurate picture of ALL of my body.  The tech wanted me to put both my arms straight up over my head, that was not happening at all.  Granted, in the week since surgery, I am getting a lot more range of motion back with my right arm, but straight up over the head just isn’t happening.  Visions of stitches popping filled my head… we compromised on keeping my arms straight down… I could hold that pose!

The feeling of that second dose of nuclear dye going into my body was just plain weird.  It felt like someone shoved icy water into my arm and I could feel it circulating within me.  My brain was no all that pleased, not that I got a headache, I didn’t, just some seriously weird feelings in my brain as the veins that feed my brain got flushed with this foreign substance.  I had to have a talk with my brain, and the rest of my body… and promised once this test is done, we will be busy flushing all this nuclear stuff out of us.

I pee’d all day long yesterday… hurray.  It may sound strange, but I could feel it leaving me.  I am grateful!!  I so love this body and the way it cooperates with what I need and want.

When the test was done, I was going to go home and pop my Doc an email as she had asked me to do.  She would try to give me the test results before the end of the day yesterday (friday)… I decided, I just don’t want to know… yet.  I wanted to do something that had nothing to do with cancer, testing, wondering…

So I treated myself to a movie, Breaking Dawn Part 2.  I am such a twi-hard.  I am so glad I gave myself that gift.  They did such a wonderful job in closing out this amazing movie series.  The transformation of Bella reminds me of those who allow full and complete transformation of themselves within this life.  To become empowered thru your own inner changes and challenges, to become steadfast in that inner feeling (which is sooo much more than just a knowing.)  They took the love that was Bella and Edward, and thru her transformation, it became stronger.  That is how I see the true partnership of Divine Counterparts, stronger because they have accepted and embraced the amazing change within.

I should have the PET/CT scan results on Monday.  I get my stitches out on the 12th as well as have a sit down with my surgeon on the 12th to go over the rest of this journey.  The one thing I know for sure, I am not making any more major decisions during December.  I am going to Virginia to be with two of my children and my grandson for the Holy Days and will talk to them about all the options on the table, what I may be leaning towards, what I may not be leaning towards, and allow them into my choices.

For now, I find the way I feel inside amazing.  I have heard so many times the word “victim” in relationship to those who have cancer.  I cannot even spit that word off my tongue.  I do not feel victimized in any way.  I feel, partnered!!  Maybe it is because I do trust my body so very much.  I trust my life, my ability to feel what is truly in my heart from my soul and I am more empowered now than I was a month ago.

The word “survivor” is a strange word to my feeling heart too.  Maybe it is due to the fact I spent close to 18 years trying to survive my childhood… it was indeed hell and I made it worse by fighting it every step of the way.  I have absolutely no desire to fight with my body, to fight with the cells of transformation within my body, I will love this process every step of the way.

I am equally recognizing a pattern within me on this unexpected odyssey with cancer.  My mind reacts before my body kicks in to level the reaction.  I must and do comfort the mind with its thirst for understanding what we are doing.  So I research once I get new information, I equally go into a void with the new information (namely, finding more cancer within my body.)  Kinda like going numb for a day or three.  Then the love of my cells take hold, comfort the mind, expand my own awareness, and remind me, we have agreed to this journey for the love and compassion of the Greater all.  And then, I fall in love all over again, deeper and stronger!

Just for the ongoing record, (smile) I have added Hemp Oil oil to my daily intake yesterday and will be adding Essiac Tea in gel cap form to my daily intake as well.  For now, that is enough.  Because at the end of each and every day, I have something more powerful than any oils, teas, or treatments on the current market… I have you loving me thru this.  Sending me laughter and good cheer encapsulated with pure, vibrant LOVE.

With ohhhh so much honor and grace and radiant love to ALL of us!!

((((HUGZ)))) of loving gratitude,

Lisa Gawlas

 

 

 

 

 

 

Biopsy Results, Choices, and Reaching For The Hemp Oil!

I had wondered why my initial instructions for my journey with Can-Seer advised to bring a friend to take notes, because, even tho the initial appointment was long and they did throw a lot of information out at me, I retained it all.  There should be an emphasis on bringing your note taker to the biopsy results appointment.  It is actually a funny thing to witness your own mind crumbling.

I had my first follow-up appointment from Surgery on the 29th, yesterday, Dec 5th.  My Doc (PA) checked my two incision sites and was very happy to see how well I was healing.  I have been watching the intense infusion of energy coming into me, I would have been shocked if my body wasn’t healing well.  Then she asked if I received the biopsy results yet, it was really the only reason I was there in her office.  Not yet…  she went to go get them.

It is funny how the mind can completely hide what you don’t want to look at.  Before my lymph node / wide incision surgery, I already had a sit down with my spiritual team and was assured they would find more cancer within me.  I so forgot about that conversation.

When my doc came back into the room toting paper work with all my biopsy results on it, I flashed her a smile and said “I am all clear, right.”  She looked at me and simply stated “It is what it is.”  In was in that moment I witnessed my own mind shifting…. away.

I also realize, it is for these conversations, a note taker is really important.  Her words started to blur in my mind’s eye when she said they found a tumor in one of my lymph nodes.  Why does the word tumor sound so much more daunting than saying they found cancer cells in my lymph nodes?  A google search would (later) help me understand that.?

She did give me good news, I had 7 lymph nodes biopsied (they pulled a small piece off of 7 different lymph nodes) and only one came back with a tumor.  Yay?

She talked about my original pathology report, stating something I had already understood… the original “levels” may be off because the tumor that was removed from my back went all the way to the very end of the thingie that was taken off my back.  So my Clarks level 4, Breslow level 3 could have very well been deeper and thicker.  But because of the healing/scaring that was already taken place (the original tumor was removed Oct. 25th) when they did the wide excision biopsy, it all disintegrated upon removal.  But the new, updated pathology states, it was probably deeper than stated.  But because we will never know exactly how deep or how thick the orginal tumor was, we stick with the original staging: t3b  (T= tumor, 3 equals breslows thickness level 3 (3.2cm to be exact) and b = ulcerated.)

She did remind me, in this original pathology report review, that the thingie on my back was ulcerated.  Yup, I researched what that means to the point, I will not forget.

So she said something I really didn’t understand, nor ask more about in that moment.  The tumor they found in my lymph node was visible without staining.  By this time, my mind was elsewhere, it felt like it took a much-needed vacation.

She then wrote the next part of my “staging” on my pathology reports: N1b  which I didn’t even look at till I got home.  In all my previous research, I got the n1 (n=node and the 1= amount of nodes biopsied with cancer in them)  the b confused me.  I don’t think I payed much attention to that until it was written on my paper.  Thank god for google (smile) b- means macrometastasis… what the hell does that mean?  The a would have been the mirco, well, now I know.  The b means the tumor within the lymph node is visible to the naked eye.  The micro would have meant you needed to stain it or see it with a microscope.

This automatically puts me into a cancer Stage IIIb category   The last part of this dance comes up Friday when I have my PET/CT scan done.  I cannot tell you how much it still breaks my heart that the hospital canceled my original PET scan date of the 28th because I had no ability to answer the phone.  It feels like such cruel and unusual punishment for something, I have zero control over (my cell signal.)  Now I have to sit and wonder about this last part of my staging until Monday, otherwise the whole view of my entire body would have been known yesterday.  Freakin rip the band-aide off in one full swoop.  In the words of my doc, it is what it is.

I paid very close attention to the numbers of yesterday.  It was Dec 5th, a day of change.  My intake window upon arrival at my doctors was window number 5.  I knew right then, they were going to tell me they found more cancer.

When my doc started talking about survivability rates for the next 5 years, I was at 55% without the PET scan figuring into the final staging of this.  If the PET scan finds any other cancer in my body at all, I go into the group known as Stage four and my 5 year survivablity plummets to less than 20%.  Of course, these are all just figures and statistics, but right now, it is what my mind is chewing on.

Five is the number of change.  It is my life path number, it is the number LISA reduces to a 5 in numerology.  I was being presented with so many 5’s in one day that I really just wanted to puke.

Then of course, the conversation naturally progressed to treatment.  The first thing, more surgery.  This time, they want to remove ALL my lymph nodes from the right half of my back (around the original tumor site) to my right arm pit, and even cut into my pectoralis and remove my lymph nodes from under the front of me.  She did say it will take more recovery time than the 9 inch gash currently across my back.  Then they want to start me in clinical trials, injecting some sort of localized chemo or something.

I just stopped her, I am not doing a damn thing more until I come back from Christmas vacation.  Period.  I can’t even process any of it today anywayz.  I watched her face grimace when I told her I will be back in NM Jan. 3rd.

It’s funny, sorta, it is a feeling of a boxer in a ring.  You can see the upper cut coming, yet, it still leaves you disoriented when it impacts your head.  That is very much what it felt like getting the news yesterday.  I knew it was coming, yet, for as prepared as I was, it still leaves a dizzying sting.

I suppose, what I never even thought about beyond the news of the cancer spreading, was what it would mean to my life… namely, my financial/work life.  It was all I could think of on the ninety minute ride home… well, that and my up coming PET scan.

I did ask my doc what would happen if my PET scan showed other cancer in my body, but of course, more biopsies.  Blah!!  No more cutting this year!  Instead, I listened to the 20 links that came to my email concerning help oil.  I invested in that and will start taking them (gel caps) tomorrow when they arrive in my mail!

It almost seems kind of crazy, but I am so OK with this whole cancer dance.  I know I will be a good listener and we have something to do together and thru it, we will serve the greater good.  It’s the down time that has me most concerned.  It is funny, no matter our choices in life, there is a domino impact on any given choice.  IF I choose surgeries next year, my down time will affect my landlady, the birds in the yard, my own ability to keep and maintain a roof over my head.  If I choose to do nothing except take hemp oil and meditate, my children will have a melt and I just might not be around long enough to see my grandson play soccer or whatever his interest will be as he grows.

Of course, I am already paying the hefty price for doing nothing and I am not willing to bear that again.

I am just so grateful I put Christmas money away, which will cover my December bills and January will just have to take care of itself for now.  As I hear my loving spiritual team echo a sentence they said a few weeks ago in a reading “don’t worry about a future that has not arrived yet.”

I am so grateful I am walking this path with sooooo many loving hearts, loving hands to hold me steady on days like today, when the upper cut is still stinging my face.  This too shall pass!!

I love you all, so much, and am grateful for your loving joy that fills my air space!!

((((HUGZ)))) filled with loving gratitude!!

Lisa Gawlas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Odyssey of Love in Motion Within Me, Thru You!

Special Note: The image used here was the logo of the business a friend and I had together called “The Wonder of You.”  It is so reflective of how I feel today more than ever.  No that is not me in the picture nor anyone I know.  It just reflects the true beauty of all of us in the mirror of Life!!

I feel like I have been given such an amazing gift the deeper I move into this journey with my friend Can-Seer.  It is allowing me to see my life and the lives that surround me in a whole new Light.  I am also being allowed to witness and fully participate in a relationship with this body like I never (had to) before.

I am so witnessing the law of attraction in motion every single day since this news was presented to me.  There is not one health professional that has crossed my path that wasn’t joyful and filled with laughter of some sort.  Thru the testing and the poking there has been a joyful light heartedness thru every moment with every person, for which, my gratitude overflows.  In this sharing tho, I want to talk about the day of surgery and the few days after it.

The night before surgery, even tho I was upset about my PET/CT scan being rescheduled, I was still grateful to arrive at the day of my biopsies.  I slept in such a state of peace, as I do every night.  But something kept waking me during the night, not fully awake, but to the point of being semi-conscious that something else is happening.

Several times during the night I awoke feeling like someone was pulling on the energy strands connected to my entire head and neck area, I suppose it must be what taffy feels like when it is being pulled.  I was aware (but did not see) of three presences around the back of my head doing this energy work.  Whatever they were doing to my energy was creating a very dull headache in my brain and thru my semi-consciousness I told them, hey I cannot take ibuprofen for this headache you’re giving me, can you please let up.  They didn’t.  I could feel how important this energy work was that was being done, but had no understanding of it at all.

I woke up with a nice headache for which, I could do nothing about it.  But it didn’t deter me from my gratitude that surgery day was finally here, the process of knowing exactly what is happening inside my body is soon to be revealed.

My first process in what was going to be a very long day was the mapping out of the sentinel lymph nodes around the now removed cancer on my back as well as the drainage site for those nodes.  This test consisted of getting several needles injected around the cancer site filled with some sort of nuclear liquid.  My own body was ok with this and said, it can handle processing it out of the body once it does its job.  Good by me, I do have an awesome body!!

My biggest worry was how much its gonna hurt.  I have been told this test picks and burns.  I am such a wimp with pain.  My doctor gave me a drug called Ativan to take 30 minutes before this test.  She advised me to allow it to dissolve under my tongue.  I did just that… nothing.  It had zero effect on me, but my friend that stayed by my side for two days, seemed to leach the effect into her.  Glad one of us got to have an affect.  I later researched what it was supposed to do… relieve anxiety, which I had zero anxiety so there was nothing for this drug to do.  During my research on this drug, I also read that if someone who does not have anxiety takes it, it can have a euphoric result.  Well truly, I live my life in a level state of euphoria…

The hospital was also sure to put some goo on my back to promote numbing of that site to ease the pain.  They warned me, sometimes it works, sometimes it didn’t.

When I finally was in the room to get these 7 needles, it was so easy.  The four girls/ladies who worked on me were so happy, they joked, they giggled and made light of everything, I was grateful.  There was no even so much as a prick on my skin thru this series of shots, no burning, no discomfort at all.  They of course, gave credit to the goo, I give credit to the gal with the steady hands who injected me, but even moreso… to the laughing and happiness that was present in each of us in this room.  They were even able to get two perfect images of my lymph nodes from the injections… my body was an absolute player on this adventurer.  I felt so blessed on every level of being.

Then came the surgery itself.  I so love happy people.  It is sooooo important, even more important than I realized since I am now moving thru this experience first hand.  My pre-surgical team was wonderful, happy, joking, and really good at what they did too.

My IV went in without a fuss, my blood pressure was perfect… the air of joy was everywhere.  Even as they wheeled me into the operating room and that room was abuzz with even more people, I said wow, there are a lot of you in this room.  One person said something that I felt deep in my heart “we are all here for you.”  Even just remembering that brings tears to my eyes.  It was not just a blanket statement, but something that was said beyond words.  Spirit speaks thru every mouth!!

As they were trying to wake me up in the recovery room a memory was very much embedded in me from my surgery.  The Light of every single prayer, every single ray of Love, I seen your Light in my surgery room.  It was brilliant and multi-colored and so alive.  I also knew, without a shadow of a doubt, my friends from the stars were with me in that room too.  The love, the support, the energy field beyond my surgical team (but to include them as well) will stay with me forever.

Even in the recovery area, people were laughing and being happy.  There was not one person in my entire day that was in a pissy mood.  Not one.  And trust me, you can feel pissy even thru a fake smile.  I felt so blessed.

I actually became very aware of gravity too.  I mean, we really don’t think about gravity at all.  I know I didn’t until I tried to get up to go to the bathroom.  My ass landed right back on the bed as I took for granted just standing up to get the feet moving.  Even the feet now had lead weights attached to them and walking was an effort and a wobbly one at that.

I became even more excited when I went to the bathroom for the first time.  I pee’d the most beautiful blue.  It was as if the sky came thru me and filled the toilet.  A piece of heaven in a porcelain bowl!!  I was actually bummed when the next morning, the blue went back to whence it came.

On my semi-conscious walk out of the hospital, I did run into my surgeon and had the chance to ask him about the chest x-ray I had the week prior.  He told me it came back all clear.  Phew!!

When i woke up the day after surgery, joyfully in my own home, I was surprised at how good I felt.  Yes, I was very aware I just had surgery, there is no denying that.  But I was not in pain at all.  It felt more like when you get one hellofa brush burn on your knee and you can feel the tenderness of the skin when you move.  I did notice how swollen my fingers and my breast area was… but I also knew my body had just been chopped up, so swelling, I suppose, is to be expected.

They gave me a list of things to watch out for after surgery, to my surprise, swelling wasn’t on it.  As the day progressed, I realized my swelling was getting intense.  My fingers now resembled sausages and my neck and clavicle area was balloon like.  Something inside of me said, this just ain’t right, so i called my doc (who is really a PA, but close enough, I see her as my doc too) and she agreed, more than usual swelling, it could be a blood clot.  She wants me back in… geez.  I am so not in the mood for more traveling, more traipsing around hospitals, but I want to be back with my children for Christmas  so I will do what it takes to make sure I am indeed as well as I feel!  Because I do feel good… really good.

I live close to an hour and a half from the hospital and an hour from the nearest city.  I love love love my life in the Jemez but suddenly I felt so far away, but equally, I felt far away from my children too.  It was a strange, fleeting feeling.   Much to the nurse on the phones dismay, I told her I was going to drive myself to their office right now.  She really wanted someone to drive me, which is not a possibility without pre-planning going on.  She warned me that if it is a blood clot, it could move at any time.  So I simply told her, so my choice is, die at home or on my way to you.  I am choosing the latter and will be there in about 90 minutes.

I decided to put a little post on my facebook page asking for extra light on my journey to see the doctor.  I was still picking anesthesia out of my brains… so the extra Light would help keep everyone safe.  I really didn’t feel unsafe and was not 100% sure why I asked for the added light on my drive to Albuquerque  until I was on highway 25 about a mile from my exist to the UNM Cancer Center.

When I am driving I always stay at least 3 car lengths away from the car in front of me.  Always.  Up ahead of me was this cluster of cars, 7 to be exact.  Four driving bumper to bumper in the right lane, three keeping the bumper to bumper pace along side of them in the left lane.  I watched as one of the cars on the right decided to shift into the left lane.  Holy cow!  That should have been an accident, all 7 cars had a second to react to his insanity.  Each one of them reacted in perfect time, with the car he just pushed out of the lane moving into the next lane over for a split second, then this crazy driver hopping back into his original lane, and the cars that decided they needed to be on the bumper of the car that was originally in front of him, had to shift back.  Yet, every single drive reacted with precision and split second timing.  Instantly, I had seen the many people sending me extra light on my drive to the hospital and it helped this cluster of 7 cars be safe too.

I have said this so many times already, but you really do not realize the profoundness of your prayers and light.  It (obviously) affects so much more than just the intended target.  For which, I must again say thank you.

My ultra sound man was such a perky person too.  I may not be a big fan of the trust issues of policy with UNM Hospital, however, I am a huge fan of the staff they have working there in every department.  My veins were all clear and working as they should.  Hurray!!

So I had a sit down with my doc (PA) and I so love her too.  She so understands the world I live and breathe within… the world of spirit and metaphysical everything.  So my time with her is so engaging and not filled with medical mumbo jumbo… but spiced up with the clarity of DNA, cells changing in this profound time on earth and her even saying cancer is a state of transformation.  I love her so much!!

Then she told me what I did not know.  I underwent a Level 1, Level 2 and a Level 3 biopsy  meaning they pretty much biopsies every lymph node they could find from the site (sentinel site) to my arm pit.  I was originally supposed to have a 3 lymph node biopsy  that is what my body expected, that is what I expected.  Not all of them!!  I could feel it instantly when she said how much was done… my body was pissed.  All my other lymph sites on my right side had to now work over time to release all the toxins in that area and to help all the injured ones that were in their own state of shock.

The swelling was my body’s way of saying,,, I am so not a happy camper here!!

Of course, not realizing the serious degree of invasion from my surgery, I also choose to take no time off for my own healing journey.  My body was not happy about that either.  Ohhh the things we get to learn along the way.  I came home and decided to take two full days off, concentrating on loving my lymph nodes that have been removed and/or poked apart.

Yesterday, i was able to take the bandage off the “wide margin excision surgery” which was done on my back at the site of the melanoma itself.  The above biopsies were done from the front, between my right breast and my arm pit.  When the surgeon pointed with his fingers on my back, the area he will be removing, it was about an inch high by about 3-4 inches wide.

When my landlady took my bandage off yesterday and I looked in the mirror to see what they had done back there, holy freakin shit batman, I was not expecting to see such a huge gash across my back.  Soooooo much more than I expected:

 

All I could think of when I had seen it was thank you body!!  My body may have swollen in revolt, but it was not creating pain in my healing process.  I don’t mind discomfort at all, and trust me, this is not comfortable, but there is no pain (like that stabbing kind) at all…. unless of course, I extend my right arm a bit too far or pick up something a bit too heavy.  Of course, my doc has changed the amount of weight I can pick up at any given time from 10 pounds down to 5 pounds for the next 6 weeks.

Even before surgery she had given me a prescription for Percocet/oxycodone.  I really had no intention on taking any, because like I said, I am not in pain, just uncomfortable.  But yesterday early afternoon, my body wanted sleep.  I had woken at 2:30am that morning and I know, thru this healing process, sleep is my friend.  Laying down creates a feeling like the skin on my right side no longer fits me.  It is too small and taught to be comfortable in.  I decided to take one of my percocets just to take a good solid nap.  Which I did for a wonderful 2 hours.  But even waking up, I wasn’t even uncomfortable at all.  Without my focus being on the need to not make various movements with my arm or even bending over, or actually even walking (gravity again… pulls my breast and creates a rather uncomfortable feeling that borderline hurts) allowed me to see what was really happening under the skin.

I laid on my couch, my handy dandy smart phone in hand… staying connected to those I love and still being at rest and still within, allowed me to experience the energy within me moving.  I am not even sure I can explain it, but like all these puffs of energy was housed up from my armpit across my back… working.  Healing.  Restoring.

In all my life I have never taken something stronger than a Tylenol or ibuprofen for a headache or a toothache… this was my first adventure with something so strong and said to be highly addictive.

I realized there is even a gift in the drug industry.  An industry I have not been a big fan of (altho, I have always been thankful for Tylenol and Ibuprofen.)  This single pill added to the healing benefits of my own body in a way that allowed me to be a full participant within.  I am now grateful for percocets too!!

I took one pill at noon yesterday and then one at 9pm when I awoke to that feeling of my skin not fitting me any more.  I slept for a semi-solid 10 hours last night.  I only woke up to wake my left arm up (It kept falling asleep cuz I was laying on it lol.) but at the same time, I was feeling and observing all the healing energy moving in my body.  The prayers, the light energy being sent to me by my beloved friends was working and I could see it and feel it.

I also realized how important it is to sleep while the body is busy healing itself.  It really allows itself to fully focus on itself.

I have awoken today in such a state of grace, of gratitude for everything that is my life, that surrounds my life.  To be a loving witness and participant within a journey most people fear… cancer.  It is as much a lover of life as we are.  I am watching how participatory all of life is when the focus is on love and joy and wellness.  Not once have I felt unwell, which is a wonderful feeling as I look at that big ole cut across my back.  Obviously, my body is ok with it.  It just needs my loving compassion too.

I feel so utterly blessed to be on this particular phase of my life’s journey, to be surrounded by love from all around the globe… and off the globe too.  To be awake and aware as I watch my own beloved body transform itself from the inside out.

I have my follow-up doctors visit on Dec. 5th, if my groggy mind heard my surgeon correctly as I was leaving the hospital after surgery, I should have the biopsy results by then.  My PET/CT scan is set for the 7th and my stitches will be removed on the 12th along with the full knowledge of all the testing results and will see where else this journey is taking me.  Where ever it is, I am soooooo absolutely grateful to be upon it.

I just might gift myself one extra day of healing time because my body wants it.  I have to chuckle as I hear the field in which I read from say “three full earth days for change to solidify.”  I honor this process more than I could have even imagined.  it is truly beautiful… as are all the hearts holding mine steady.

Thank you for being such a radiant part of my Life on ALL levels.  All of earth, all of life is blessed because YOU LOVE!!

Thank you for loving me so much!

(((((HUGZ))))) in joy filled love and deep gratitude!

Lisa Gawlas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Journey Into Biopsies and Wide Excisions! DeLightFull Even!

Special Note:  I am sharing this on both of my blogs to thank EVERYONE and not miss a blessed Soul!!

I know so many people wonder if their love and prayers really do anything… I promise you, more than you know.  As I started to come out of anesthesia yesterday I remembered soooo many Lights, multi-colored lights in my surgical room.  I remembered feeling the presence of ET’s, my family from the stars, but also…. others.  The energy of the room itself was deep gray (not painted, this was energy, I never seen anything other than light energy in whatever it is I am remembering.)  I semi-remember seeing the ET’s and knowing they were there.  It was the moment I looked at my facebook on my phone did I fully realize what all those other streams of multi-colored Light was… it was YOU.  Your love.  It is my only memory from my operation and I will remember it forever.  Thank you so much for loving me that much!!

I also have to give a huge shout out to my beloved body.  It was so cooperative thru this whole days worth of procedures.  This is when you know… you’re in your flow.  Even if it is a flow you prefer not be in.

In my morning’s procedure to find out where the closest lymph nodes are and where they drain into, they inject you with a nuclear fluid of some sort.  6-7 needles all around the site (my upper right back.)  I have been warned by everyone, this hurts.  My doctor was kind enough to prescribe be Ativan to take prior to the procedure, the hospital itself put some sort of numbing goo all around the site.  Once in the room to get this party started, everyone warned me, sometimes the numbing doesn’t take and it hurts.  With each needle pick the lady counted to 3…. after about the 3rd or 4th time she counted to three, I had to ask her, are you doing something after you count to three?  There was zero picking or burning!!  They were all happy to hear that and oddly enough gave the credit to the goo.  I had to give the credit to the lady with the needles.  She poked me in perfect harmony with my body and I thanked her for being so good with those needles!!

She did tell me, some people have to be stuck 10-20 times before they can get a good picture of their lymph nodes… I thanked my body for being so cooperative in this.

Since I was in nuclear medicine, I had to have a talk with the lady who gave me the news the day before about my PET/CT scan being canceled on the 28th due to their inability to reach me by phone.  My cell signal had been off for two days in a row, solid.  Even my landline was sketchy at best… my cell signal never came back on until 5:30 am on the 28th, the day of my PET scan.  When it came back on I had 14 phone messages…. yikes!  The first one I listened to was from the hospital saying if we do not talk to you by noon today (which would have been the day before) they are canceling my PET/CT scan!  What the hell!!???

Of course, no one is in at 5:30 or even 6am but I called and left three messages anywayz.  I had to leave at 6am to get there in time for my 7:30am appointment.  I was not about to take a chance they really don’t mean they are going to cancel me when there was an appointment already made.

7am they called me and said yup… they canceled me.  The good news is, I was only in Bernilillo (an hour out) by the time she called, near walmart to get my drugs filled.  I had to go there anywayz.

Me and the lady from the nuclear med department had a conversation, me in disbelief that an appointment set does not really mean its an appointment set.  She apologized 100 times and said that is the policy and agreed with me that it was wrong.  No one sent me any mail saying you need to confirm your appointment the day before or you lose an appointment you once thought solid.  They never even tried to call me on my landline, a second number I provided.  Their policy is, if they leave you a message on an answering machine the consider that contact.

It was the very same lady that was there yesterday and we talked some more, as well as reset my PET scan for Dec 7th at 9:30am.  She talked to me about how many patients just don’t show up for their appointments.  The medicine or stuff they use for a single treatment is costing the hospital $5 – $10 thousand dollars and is special ordered.  If the patient doesn’t show up, the med is wasted and cannot be reused.

I thought about people for a long minute.  I cannot for a single second imagine not wanting to know what lays within my body.  I love my body and whatever we are going to do together, I want to do it ASAP.  But then again, I am not afraid .. at all.  Instantly I could feel the collective who has been given the news of cancer…. denial and fear was soooo strong.  Not wanting to look at that, deal with that.  It was a feeling of turning their own backs on their body’s.  Body’s want to be well!  The body is as an active participant in this light show called cancer as the mind/ego is.  How is it that the ego wins more often than not.  FEAR.

The lady was kind enough to put a note in my file saying I was going to show up whether or not they actually talked to me.  With my internet provider doing whatever they are doing, I am not a reliable contact on the phone especially as we get into afternoon and evening… forget it.

But I will also write to the policy makers to help them understand that sometimes a phone call is not enough to confirm someones desire to be well.  Back it up with a mailer.  Maybe they can even put how important these first initial steps are to the body, to the well-being of the person.

It is almost strange to be in a cancer related relationship that begins with trust issues.  They don’t trust me to show up but yet, I must trust them to be there for me.  I think that is the gray I had seen in my surgical area.  Murky really.

After the injected nuclear stuff to find my lymph nodes was done I was off to surgery.  Other than this hospitals (UNM Hospital) trust issues with their patients, they really are a very efficiently run hospital with beautiful staff who are really really good at what they do.

As I am getting prepped for surgery the first thing they do is take my blood pressure, the man said how surprised he was that my pressure was perfect (this was not the case when I went to the dentist lol.)  I told him I am not scared, I just want to get this done.  Then came the IV needle, again, painless and got it done on the first stick.   I thanked the man for being so good at what he does.

What is really strange, in the several times they tried to wake me from my anesthesia cloud, man oh man my incision sites hurt like flipping hell.  As the anesthesia wore of, it was actually less and less painful.  One would have thought it would be the other way around.  I have places they poked holes in me.  The back of course, in my right breast (sentinel node site or first lymph contact with the cancer cells) to remove a lymph node and in my arm pit (drainage site) to remove a lymph node or two.

And then…. I went Pee!!  Holy weirdness batman!!  When I wiped, my toilet paper was a beautiful blue.  What they hell did they do to my va-jay-jay???  They weren’t supposed to do anything there.  When I got off the toilet, the entire water was this beautiful sky blue…. OMG I am now peeing in Technicolor !   This is a kewl perk!!  When I asked they said it was from the dye and my body processing it, which is good.  Of course it is good… my body and I, we are team players together!!!  And radiant in the process lol.

I must give a shout out to my earth angel from Santa Fe, Christine.  She rearranged her life to be by my side thru this journey.  Good thing too… i was seriously loopy even after I was “alert” after surgery.  I couldn’t even walk forget drive!  It is funny how strong gravity is.  We take gravity for granted, but when you are in the cloud of anesthesia, my ass and my feet felt like they placed lead onto me.  I tried to stand up and would plummet back to the chair.  Weird!!

She took up the task of letting my family (both my kids and dad, as well as my facebook family) know what was happening every step of the way.  She even tied my shoes for me and buttoned my shirt, you talk about loving kindness!!

We got to the hospital at 9:30 in the morning, my surgery itself was 2.5 hours long and then it took me 2 more hours to come out of the anesthesia cloud… we were at the hospital til about 7:30 pm…. sooooo much longer than I expected.  My girl was filled with grace!  She didn’t complain, had such an attitude of gratitude for what she got to do while waiting for me (watch 2 back to back episodes of her favorite show: CSI Miami.  I am grateful the universe provided that for her!!!)  She also stayed an extra day with me.  I am so grateful!!

By the time I was semi-clear in my head my stomach wanted some serious attention.  I was starving!!  I was not about to go home and cook, so we looked for the nearest Applebee’s and I treated us to some take home Applebee’s.  When the lady brought out our order I had to smile sooooo big when she buckled up our bag of food.  It was the cherry on top of a day filled with loving compassion!!  She simply said, she needed to make our food safe for the long ride to Jemez.  I had to take a picture:

 

My surgeon said I will have the biopsy results when I come in for my next appointment, which is on the 5th.  Phew!  Ohhhh and he did say my chest x-ray came back clear!!  Hurray!!  Of course, x-rays only shows masses not cells emerging… but clear sounds good to me!!

This morning, I really have no pain at all… just sore.  My right side is swollen and stiff but not in pain.  Thank you dear body and god and you and the team who worked on me and my earth angel and everyone.

Ohhhh, I have a question.  As I was in recovery someone told me I got a phone call at the hospital.  A female wanting to know how I was.  I asked my youngest daughter if it was her…. it wasn’t.  Was it one of you?  With the Hippa Laws (another asinine law) they cannot tell anyone a thing…

Let me just say, i am so good, so grateful on every level of Being!!

I love each and every one of you soooo much.  Thank you for flooding my world with your radiant Loving Energy… I was happy dancing all the way thru even this moment!!

(((((HUGZ))))) Filled with Love and deep gratitude!!

Lisa Gawlas

 

 

 

 

Without Fear, There is Only Light and Excitement and Illumination!

Yesterday was officially 19 days since my doctor had “that” phone call with me.  19 days and I know as much now as I did on November 1st… which is pretty much nothing.  But I suppose, even that is a gift.  It gives me the chance to really sit with mySelf, to reevaluate… everything!  To really tap into what I feel without anything in the way.  The one thing that really surprises me with this whole new, unexpected journey is… I have absolutely no attachment to the outcome of any aspect of it.

I took a bath meditation yesterday focused souly on this Can-Seer journey that is now a part of my life path, at least, for now…. to see what I must be missing.  Altho my “team” still has me on a lock out in viewing my own inner landscape, we did have a really good conversation about many things in this can-seer regard.  Things that actually surprised me.

My own constant query with not only my body but equally with my spiritual team has been: “Am I out of balance somewhere within me.”  The constant reply I keep getting back is “no” but with no added explanation of why I am now walking hand in hand with Can-seer… at least, until yesterday.  This journey has always been an “agreed to” (from the soul realm) aspect of my path in life.  It would only emerge (actually, be diagnosed)  when I have freed all aspects of fear from within me.  That alone comforted me, I don’t want to delude myself on any level… and trust me, I have been searching for that fear molecule within and coming up empty!

So, since I finally had a chatty spiritual team in my bathtub, I wanted to ask some very serious questions.  I have received about 50 links to sooooo many variations of “the miracle cure for cancer.”  I have not read any of them, (mostly due to my computer not willingly opening any of the links) but it can really add a lot of confusion to those traveling this path.  How can there be so many “cures” and yet, so many people die daily with cancer?

The understanding was/is interesting.  Understanding why can-seer is present in any given body is always the most important first step in this process.  If you do not fully understand “why” then many things can be like throwing gasoline on a fire… just because it’s liquid doesn’t mean it is going to help put the fire out!

For most people with cancer, it stems from their emotional field being out of whack.  That is to say, some aspect of themselves vibrates so rapidly to fear that the Light of Love has been completely blocked out.  Back in 2001, my then mentor wrote a sharing about fear and he had given me permission to include it in my book “Understanding and Connecting with Your Spiritual Self” which I would like to share here because it is THAT important to understand within everyone!!

FEAR       By Stashima 2001

We are all birthed of the light…

We are all stardust…

We have just forgotten…and covered our light with the cloak of darkness.

This cloak is layer upon layer of fear.

Earth is cloaked in fear.

Earth is a plane of the vibration of fear.

Now then, fear is not just fright….

Or being scared of something in the night…or darkness…

Fear is like a dust particle….made up of a vibration….

A dust particle of fear…is for example, fear of getting wet in the rain….fear of the traffic light turning red before we get to it…fear of running late for work…fear of not being able to find our keys…fear of another whom we think might not like us.

These are the particles that really do not seem the obvious fears. Yet these are the particles that crystallize in layer upon layer that we cloak ourselves within…mistakenly holding onto the cloak for warmth…and lest we appear naked to others. And as our cloak builds denser and denser….we vibrate at the vibration of fear. This vibration is like a deep sound that we forget to know is there and grow used to as a companion.

Bringing the light in is our way of forcing pinholes of light through the cracks of fear.

As the light increases, the pinhole turns to a hole, widening the cracks in the folds of the heavy cloak, until pieces of fear start falling off in chunks… revealing the light that was always glowing from within.

This creates the distinctive feeling of changing….and even creates a fear of changing.

We may attempt to “plug” this hole, as it almost seems as if something is “wrong.”

Others may sense the changing and may even move away lest we infect them with this threatening influence upon their warm cloaks of darkness.

The morale of this story is to perhaps not try to change those obvious fears that we hold, for they are dense and solid, but to concentrate on the dust. Remove those dust particles and the chunks of fear will eventually fall away. Erode the cloak. In order to do this it is necessary to observe those little fears, like the ones in the example that bubble up to the surface and sit, hidden almost, from the mind’s eye. You will be surprised by the intensity and the sheer amount of non-obvious particles of fear you manifest in every moment.

By observing our Self-propelled particles of fear, we have the opportunity to not let them coagulate and thicken upon our cloak of darkness that hides our light, but to cleanse them into shining examples or even release them to allow them to do what they may elsewhere.

Many have been taught to release fear but often do not realize the influence of these particles and the speed they move at to “fix” this crack in the fold replacing it with these tiny, seemingly irrelevant particles.

By learning to observe these small fears, we are able to help facilitate the re-emergence of the light body that lies beneath and the real cloak of light that has always been the true provider of warmth on our life journey.

Now, if cancer appeared because of the fear within an emotional field, chances are any given “attempt” at doing miracle cures is really fear feeding fear, creating an even larger imbalance in the emotional field of life.  We are so afraid of having cancer, we will now do (almost) anything to not have it, which is why people are still dying with cancer.  It is easier to mix up a remedy, put a body in a chamber, do anything except to get to the real reason it is there, a super suppressed emotional field.  Of course, we so want to believe that all these remedies are due to the suppression of the multi-billion dollar medical field because then we can justify why so few people know about ______ (fill in the blank.)

And then we have the healing energy of such beautiful, well intentioned people…. which includes Reiki.  All energy, including reiki, when sent to a sick person has got to go and target the landscape of fear… the deep dark places within a person.  If that person is not ready to deal with their suppressed fears, let me tell you, you can wreak havoc on the emotional system without even realizing it.  I have seen this first hand thru several people who, while doing my spiritual development course would get energy work done and created depression, pain… some people really need their cloak of fear until they are mentally ready to deal.

Perhaps, that is why I am such a huge advocate for meditation, it heals at ones level and pace and desire to be well.

But anyway… so as I am getting all this information from my team in my bath yesterday, they gave me a clue as to my own part in this can-seer journey.  There are those who agreed to take on the mantle of Light to permeate what is hidden in the dark (fear) of any given system.  Cancer is not here to kill anyone… ever!!  There is actually nothing in Life designed to kill.  No-Thing!  Well, lets me clear on this point, no-thing created by nature itself.  What man creates on the other hand… sheez!!  Funny, we trust more in the poison (such as chemo) than we do in our own bodies ability to express itself.  Maybe, it is easier to poison ourselves than really dive deep into our emotions and heal that.  Give me my bathtub any day of the week!!  But, that’s me and I know the treasure chest within.

So as the conversation continued, I was so surprised when we looked at the potential of death, actual bodily death.  I was even more shocked at myself that I had no attachment to that as an outcome.  It was a strangely easy conversation to have with my team.  I realized we underestimate deaths value.  The magnificence in what really happens at death.  It is no wonder that the cases of people having near death experiences are becoming more and more known… it is a transmutation of the Light field on earth… and so much more than that, but I am not really sure how to put it into words…. yet.

We even looked at the death of Jesus and how incredibly important that was to earth in that time.  Granted, the story has gotten so lost over time and BS and the makers of Christianity hid its significance in the BS system they created.  He chose to die to leave a Light trail for all to follow… not thru (deceiving) scriptures but as a way of Life itself.

The beauty of cancer is there is plenty of time to prepare others if you are choosing to depart this world with it (not saying I am… in any way or on any level) there is plenty of time to prep those who will stay behind on earths stage.  Kind of like a hurricane… you know its coming, its eventual target and there is time to prepare your home and your family.  Unlike being hit by a bus… (smile)

I spent most of the evening thinking about those who have had near death experiences, and there are many that I have read about.  They all have a very common theme/realization to why they are on the other side of the veil… to be the expression of LOVE that they were created to be.  Most people are either soooo bitter or so afraid of having others accept them… they lose themselves.  Death, even near-death, shows you who you really ARE.

I have not read one story (and I read a good many since embarking on this path 12 years ago) when spirit told them, during their NDE they need to stop eating chocolate or pork or beef or or GMO’s or that they need to do a colon cleanse (strange therapy there) or anything other thing/practice than moving out of fear and regret and dancing in the Light of Love in honor of their selves.  Every story I have ever read was in direct relationship to their emotional field.  In my own first several years in my bathtub therapy… it (meditation) was always centered on my (severely negative) emotional field… and learning to live fully in a state of love.

I didn’t need to die to really understand this part of me, I just needed to take a whole lot of baths!! (smile)  I do not forsake my soul for the sake of being accepted, I accept Me, period.  I live out loud and with joy and compassion each and every day.  And in truth, I can do no less with my new dance partner, Can-Seer.  But I sure would like to know the lay out of the ballroom!!  (smile)

Each and every one of you sending me love and joy are the music we dance to.  Thank you for being such a vibrant and vital song in my heart and thru my cells!!

With so much love and gratitude (((((HUGZ))))) filled with the Light of Love!!

Lisa Gawlas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Celebrate With Me, as the Poking, Prodding and Dissecting Begins in Earnest!

Over the last couple of days, I swear I am doing a sanity check on myself.  Who in their right mind would be embarking on this phase (the poking, prodding, dissecting)  part of their Can-Seer journey with absolute de-Light in their hearts?  When I packed my overnight bag on the 13th to head to Albuquerque,  to head to the UNM Cancer Center financial department to see if I can qualify to receive the services they offered and if I did,  you would swear my body was getting ready to go somewhere super exciting!  I swear I was as giddy as a school girl, excited about her first big school dance.

I actually kept looking around inside of myself, thinking, there should be some nervousness  worry, apprehension… anything other than the desire to dance all the way to my appointments.  I couldn’t fake worry if I tried real hard.  I have been excited every step of the way.

Well, let met tell you, skyrockets went off all around me and within me when the financial aid department said I am qualified for their coverage for the next 6 months.  Suddenly, I was so grateful to have a financially difficult year last year.  It has become a massive blessing as this year comes to a close.  My co-pays are so affordable:  Any office visit=$5.00  Any lab test: $10.00  Any surgery done as an outpatient $25.00 and if I am ever admitted as an inpatient, my daily hospital fee’s are $25.00 a day!  I looked at my co-payments with shock and gratitude and hugged the gal who did up my financials to give me something more to celebrate!!

A wonderful friend (whom I just met in person this day) met me after my visit with the financial department, we got a hotel room for the night so she could accompany me thru my next day and take notes and ask questions I may forget to ask.  It was wonderful to have her there with me and NOT feel sorry for me.  My body was in party mode and I really needed someone to feel that with me… and she did!  We celebrated by having a wonderful dinner and all I could feel in me was gratitude on every level.

Our day at UNM started early on the 14th, just before 8:30 am.  I had no idea what to expect at all, but was hoping for an MRI and then go home.  Not!!

The first one I met on my now official “team” was the most amazing PA named Fay.  I listened to her words, how she talked and described what lays ahead for me, what treatments I would be looking at… she was using verbiage I was very familiar with, things like Self and other, the way she strung her sentences together… I knew she had to walk on the spiritual side of life.

My chin about hit the ground when she said she studied Chinese medicine and was an acupuncturists before becoming as close to an MD as you can: a Physicians Assistant (aka PA) and then she talked about her first mode of therapy… Akashic Record Healing.  Really?  The already intense celebration party happening inside my body was now in extreme mode.  Before she even mentioned this modality, she kept asking me if she knew me.  That I looked so familiar to her.  I told her a very little bit about myself and maybe she seen me on the internet somewhere.  When we couldn’t establish how she knew me, she simply said: “maybe we met in dreamtime and you are one of the grandmothers.”  Let me tell ya, I was sitting there in heavenly shock.  What are the chances I am going to have my family DR and now my Can-Seer PA both energy workers?  Both fluent in the world I live deeply within!!!  No wonder my whole Being has been celebrating instead of crying!!  This is actually becoming more and more exciting and every ounce of me is flush with this excitement!

So the game plan begins   The first thing her and my surgeon (as well as a witnessing medical student) does is, as my PA called it, the Monkey treatment.  The two of them starting going over my entire body checking my skin for any other potential melanoma’s.  Weird would be a huge understatement with this procedure.  Besides them picking my hair apart, looking in and behind my ears, feeling up my throat and arm pits, spreading my toes apart, they also checked in between my butt cheeks and vagina… I now know I have freckles in places I never knew I had freckles!!  As does my companion thru this journey, who stayed present to take notes!!  Good thing I left the bashful gene back home!!  That was just weird… really, really weird!!

They also ordered a chest x-ray, blood tests and an EKG for this same day.  I did feel relived that the process started of getting to know the landscape within me, but I also came to realize this is just the beginning of a very intense journey.  They are also ordering a PET/CT scan which should happen over the next week.  I was immediately scheduled for surgery, which will take place on the 29th of this month.  I had to smile when she gave me that date, it was the only date in all of November I had already booked off for myself!  Phew!!  I think tho, I am going to add a couple of days to my “Off” schedule to recuperate.

The day of surgery is going to be a multitasking procedure.  The first thing they are going to do is inject dye into the area the melanoma was removed, targeting the lymph nodes around that place to see where they drain to.  She did say that not all bodies work the same and even tho the most likely place (given the location) of the lymph drainage was in my arm pits, these could also drain into my neck or even my groin.  So this dye thing will be the internal monkey test (smile.)   She assured me that this part of the test was going to hurt.  It will pick and burn and gave me a prescription for Adavan to take just before this procedure begins.  I am grateful for that very much!!  I go into la la land very easily!!

Once the results of my lymph drainage is known, then comes the surgery part.  They will extract 3 lymph nodes from the drainage site for biopsy and they will also be removing a large hunk of my back.  It felt like about a 1 inch by 4 inch section all around my now removed melanoma will be gone from me forever.

All of this combined is going to cost me less than $100!!

My friend, Christine and I spent 7 hours at traipsing between the UNM Cancer Center and getting all the labs at the UNM hospital itself (which they did provide a shuttle for, thank goodness.)  The only test result I got to know immediately was my EKG… my heart is in good shape!  I love my heart!!  Hell, I love my whole body.  Every cell in my body has taken on the air of excitement to be on this journey.

By 1 pm in the afternoon with one more lab to get done, I realized that I was exhausted   I mean, really exhausted.  It was as if every ounce of energy I had pooled up on the floor and all I wanted to do was curl up and take a nap.  I had to wonder about this…

I had a great nights sleep the night before, everyone I met, the DR’s, lab techs, every single person was wonderful.  Not one person looked or talked to me with dreaded gloom… just matter of facts and processes, which I was so grateful for.  So why the energy drain when emotionally I was elated?

I realized, it is from the patients themselves.  Fear eats energy.  It consumes even what is not theirs to consume.  I realized, even in the very best of hospitals  with the very best of doctors and technicians, one (the patient themselves) not only gives their own life force away by being scared or worried, they consume the energy around them to feed their own lack of energy.

What was so exciting for me to experience on this interesting day, the moment I walked into my Home (at about 5pm) all my energy was restored.  I could feel me expanding and getting more perky.  I LOVE my Home and am grateful, I will be coming Home after surgery!!  Phew!!!!

This may sound a bit strange, but I really feel like I am on a bigger journey, a process and understanding I would have never realized without moving thru it myself. My entire path has always consisted of “On the Job Training” so why would this moment be anything different?

My whole world is surrounded by loving Beings (You) providing me with the energy of Love and Joy and trust me, I feel it and utilized every bit of it yesterday!!  In a field of medically trained professionals, I am also surrounded by LightWorkers.  I have someone to hold my hand and support me thru these moments in person, including driving me home after my surgery.  All of this without a financial worry.

When Archangel Michael says “we got your back” he means it on every level, in every way, for ALL things big and small… FOREVER!!

My greatest desire is that one day, anyone who seems to be facing their darkest moments realizes and feels it to their core, it is really their Lightest moments and embark on everything with a song in their heart and a step of Joy for the blessing!  I would also like to transform hospitals into a place of hope and joy instead of a place of dread.

On my surgery day, I would like everyone who feels moved to… to fill it up with joy and happiness.  Songs that make you want to dance all night (no elevator music please) angels dancing on the ceiling drunk from all the love and excitement in the air!!

This journey with Can-Seer has not been eating me up… quite the opposite really.  It has revealed to me how steadfast I Am in the field of Love and Trust… no matter what!!  And that I have the most powerful earth angels walking this path with me, side by side!!  Singing songs of Love and Joy everywhere I/we go!

So on that note, I would like to leave you with a song that is playing in my heart by the wonderful Kool and the Gang!!

I love YOU and Thank YOU!!! Soooooooooooooooooo Much!!!!

(((((HUGZ))))))  of deep deep gratitude and love,

Lisa Gawlas… together let’s Celebrate!!!

Ohhh When the Avalanche Starts…

I have decided, there are some days that can shake you more than others.  Yesterday (and into this morning) is one of them.  Maybe is just the start of the avalanche, I don’t know.  But this (writing) is how I process… so bear with me as I process.

Having finished my wonderful book called “Proof of Heaven” another one was recommended, so I downloaded it from Amazon.  There really are some things, I wish I have never started reading, “Dying To Be Me” falls very high up in that category. A story about a lady who had a near death experience while dying of cancer.

I have come to fully realize, even in the strongest of people, there are spots of vulnerability that can weaken a field.  Even if it is just slightly…

Maybe it is the combination of that pesky thing called “timing.”  Everything happening at once, in the same day!!  Geez Louise!!

Just as I am reading about this lady’s illumination (on the other side of the veil)  of why her cancer spread thru out her body (self loathing, people pleasing, never speaking or living her truth…) My landlady came in bearing the day’s mail.  I swear to God it was Christmas in my world yesterday.  Pecan Brittle from a lovingly dear soul in Texas, Chocolate Rocha from a soul sister in Idaho, even my landlady came bearing an apple Pie and I received my $150 rebate from T-Mobile!!  All of this combined should have been sending my soul to the outer reaches of heaven…. and trust me… it did!!

Until I sat with my financial packet from UNM Cancer Center.  I am not sure if it was the sudden and stark reality that I Am going to travel this road, ready or not, consciously willing or not… but what if I do not meet their financial qualifications?  What if last years 1040 isn’t good enough and they want this years?  I would be screwed.

And then, a worry came tumbling in… what if, that fluid filed sac that was discovered in my breast last year… was more than just a fluid filled cyst?  Ohhh the “what ifs” started again!  And the pesky mind, when left to its own devices can really swim in the river of worry.

My youngest daughter texted me last night, so incredibly worried she is not going to have her mama around for very long.  Of course, she did exactly what I did… googled the information about this melanoma and the “staging” process.  I assured her that level 4 and stage 4 are two very different ballparks.

My father had called me two days ago to make sure I am ok.  He had told me that about 2 years ago his Dr’s diagnosed him with lung cancer (inoperable) on top of COPD.  I suddenly realized where I get my great procrastination from… it would be a year and a half later that he actually had that thing biopsied!!  Not cancer!!

I received a facebook message from my sister telling me that my dad was admitted to the hospital yesterday with pneumonia.  He didn’t even tell me he was not feeling well when I talked to him 2 days ago.  I am really starting to see just how much like my dad I am!!

In a game of phone tag and internet/cell phone frustration… I finally was able to talk to his wife about what was going on with him… really.  I so love her.  That thingie he had in his lungs, that was not cancer… grew and the illness in his lungs is an infection.

I started to really feel how my daughter was feeling.

This morning I decided to once again google a Breslow Level 4 melanoma and send her the link, to ease her mind and heart… to tell her, at this stage of the game, we do not know anything.  The only cancer I have had, has been removed!

Maybe there was something I must have missed in my day spent googling all those cancer related words, obviously because I had seen it over and over again this morning:

Breslow Thickness and Survival Rate:

• <1mm: 5-year survival is 95-100%
• 1-2mm: 5-year survival is 80-96%
• 2.1-4mm: 5-year survival is 60-75%
• >4mm: 5-year survival is 37-50%   (I Am Here)

Of course, I know… I KNOW that doesn’t mean a thing… just like the all the things the lady who authored the latest book I am reading… doesn’t mean the same for me as well.

But the what ifs… they can be haunting.

It really is funny how the mind is, stripped (in void of) its spiritual partner, fear is where it sits.  All of a sudden, next Thursday seems like a million miles away.  There are a lot of things I do not know, which can easily become known by meeting with my doctor and seeing my pathology report.  But I also MUST have a talk with mySelf.  I really understand now, why my spiritual team has been so protective of any materials I read and have read for the last 12 years… somethings, no matter how positive the intention of presentation… can create fissures where there was never a fissure before.  My greatest question to mySelf… to know, to be sure I am living in every Authentic way from my own heart and its knowing.

Today, I must dedicate to strength training and knowing.  Which is strangely… a really hard thing to do.  I have 5 appointments on my calendar for today and a schedule that has been reschedule for a week due to the field and us changing… there really is a fine line of balance of service to Self and service to others.

This is surely going to be an interesting ride!!  If I may ask, that you please send my father love, light, radiant energy in service to his health, that would be deeply appreciated!!

Thank you for all-ways Being Here for me, even when it seems I am looking at my computer… typing… I Am Not!!  And I feel you!!

((((HUGZ)))))

Lisa Gawlas

 

 

 

 

 

Can-Seer Is A Loving Expression of Life… As I Am Too! Now, A Joint Effort of Illumination.

For those who will one day happen upon this blog, knowing nothing of who I Am and how I live my life, let me just say I live and breath and constantly explore the fields of what is known as metaphysics.  I do honor science and all it has evolved and become, but science itself, very limiting structure… for now.

I equally honor the medical community… ya talk about some warriors in the field of Life.  Medicine has taken a strange turn along it’s (de)evolution.  It wants to fight everything.  Have you ever really been in a fight?  It hurts, it maims (sp?) and sometimes… it even kills.  Someone or something is gonna get hurt, and more than likely, really pissed off.  Medicine, as wonderful as it is… and it really is… is always on the defense, ready to attack at any given perceived invasion.

And then there is the wonderful, empowering world of woo- woo, aka Metaphysics.  I live knee deep in woo-woo.  At least I do now.

The thirty-eight years I lived by traditional understanding, wrapped around Catholicism, was killing me, literally.  My mental matter was almost always in a state of deep darkness.  of course, the medical profession has labels for all the reasons why… PTSD, S.A.D., (my own self diagnosis Bo-Polar) 30 years of traditional therapy couldn’t save me from my own inner hell.   Not even ultraviolet light therapy for my SAD (which is so appropriately named in anagram.)  Suicide was a very close friend.

To tell you I know the deepest darkest places a mind can go… is no understatement.

Of course the darkness of the mind can wreck havoc on the biology too.  Repressed anger, inability to say what is in your heart and on your mind.  I had my gallbladder removed at age 30.  My anger so repressed it solidified in my bile storing organ.  I never dealt with the anger… hell it would be 8 more years before I even understood how my body worked in relationship to my mind and most especially… my emotions!!  All of which were toxic!

No one was surprised that after the removal of my gallbladder, I developed raging ulcers.  I think gallbladder attacks are much milder in relationship to ulcers.  But then again, I really am a super wimp when it comes to any sort of pain inflicting within my body.  But that gripping pain of ulcers, wrapping around the lungs so tight breathing was forced, the feeling of the whole diaphragm concaving in on itself… terrifying.

Anger raving the body.  The heart, the lungs, the very life-force that was me.EVERY-THING completely out of the water (pun very much intended.)  But I am not going to go into detail about that here, it is already well documented on me website and if you are curious, just click here: Lisa’s Journey.  That pesky, crazy, homemade Ouija Board experience changed it All.  Or, at least was the beginning of the end!

So here I Am, 12 years deep into a life that has transformed everything in me and around me.  By the end of 2001, I had zero PTSD, SAD, Bi-Polar symptoms at all.  Nor did I have the raging ulcer blow ups, nor the burning fluids of GERD trying to make their way up and out.  I took not one single drug, seen one single doctor, or changed my eating or smoking habits… all I did, was take a bath,  well, hundreds of them!  Of course, this bath-time story of absolute truth and inner revelation is well documented in my latest book:  When It All Falls Apart.. Again, Come Clean With Your Life.  Available for purchase on Amazon or every other digital media place thru smashwords.

I understood, and absolutely embrace the fact that emotions (negative and/or positive) are what feeds or starves the body.  I am living proof of that truth.

I have set up home in the metaphysical community of understanding.  I understand the pure form of energy intimately, it has been my deepest work for 12 years now.  What I could not understand was how on earth did cancer grow within me?  Its presence alone, truly contradicts everything I thought I knew.

I know my energy field and my emotional field.  It is, I Am in a state of balance and love.  I know this as much as I know I have a right and left arm.  I see it, I feel it, I KNOW it.

Over the course of this last year, I have had many a talk with that thingie growing on my back.  I was sure, because until now, it is all I knew and believed  that there was some hidden emotion I hadn’t dealt with.  Something eating at me from the past (hence being on the back.)  Each conversation produced similar results… there is nothing I have left in the dark.

This is one of the main reasons, when my doctor told me I had the worst kind of skin cancer there is, I was shocked.  Did my body lie to me?  Somewhere, within me, I MUST be out of balance.  But that does not ring as true to any part of me.  And trust me, even a slight variation of truth has a feeling… a distinct feeling.  It vibrates very very differently than truth itself.  Like I said… 12 years understanding energy… including and most especially, my own!

Now, thru all of my metaphysical teachings by Beings only I can see via meditation, there is only one thing that will throw a biological system out of balance.  Any aspect of fear… negative relationships with anything.  I became amazingly clear that there is not a single aspect of me that resides in a place of fear the day my doctor uttered all those cancer type words to me.  I was not afraid, nor angry, nor worried.  I was really just….. confused!

If what I know to be true… is true, then there is no possible way my biology could possibly develop cancer.  But it did.  And so, I did what I do best… I pondered.

When I say pondered, to me, it is being in an absolute state of meditation without being in the bath.  My ego is at rest and spirit is at the forefront of communication.  This was the first time I realized cancer itself has a spirit.  A group consciousness.  Which would have to mean, every perceived illness does too.  But I cannot tackle more than thing as huge as this at a time.  I pray anywayz!!

Can-Seer showed up on my skin to be seen!!  To be seen and heard for the loving creation that it is.  For me to do my job, it had to get to this stage of its growth.  This is why, in the last two years, even tho I had gone to Doctors, it remained and grew.  And so it set up house… in a field of love.  Me.

It knew, as consciousnesses do, that I would not be afraid, nor attack, and instead, love it for what it has to say and express.  And I do.

The third day after receiving my news and understanding can-seer wants to be seen as a loving expression of life… I moved myself into the core of its consciousness.  The wash of love, the pure enveloping of it, was nothing less than the many communions I have had with God himself.  It changed me to the core.  And with it, it must change my own belief systems about it all.  About us all.

But as deep as my faith and conviction is around all of this… it can and does waver, just slightly and only for a moment.  I am grateful I have such a strong and constant connection with spirit, because when you start walking the fine line between all you thought you know, and what you are about to find out… holding firm can be challenging  Especially when sooooo many good intentions keep going back to what we all thought we know.

I was watching a movie last night “Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya sisterhood” and one line in that movie just caught me and sat me up.  “The path to hell is paved with good intentions.”  Amen!!!

I have received more links, more information, more input than I will ever look at… by people who love and care for me deeply.  Add this, remove that, rebalance here, get out of there, eat this food, stop that food, think this thought, meditate that way…. holy freakin shit batman!!

I allowed the magnitude to shake me just for a moment… which is not a bad thing at all.  It actually allowed me to reaffirm the whisperings of my soul… I grew this thing called can-seer with love and honor to give it a voice, an expression of love that it is… That I Am.  We have purpose… together!!

It has nothing to do with my acid or alkaline, my caffeine or nicotine, and I can rearrange my molecules till heaven freezes over… but until I complete my task on this journey, it will with me.  When we are done, not only will mine leave… the group of us that have can-seer expressing thru us, will radically change form as well.

I Am reading, I Am WILLing to do whatever is asked of me.  All I ask of you, trust me… love me… hold me steady if I seem to waver, this is radically new for me too.  But I so trust in the Love of Life, the Love of mySelf and will embark on this journey with full love and joy and not look at whats wrong… but what is so incredibly right!!  This is not happening TO me, but THRU me!!

My intention is, once I know if and where there is any other can-seer within me, we will start the channeling process (allowing it to speak thru my fingertips) and not a moment before.  Right now, we are still in the process of falling in love and getting to understand each others presence in and thru each other.

I Love You, I love Me and I so Love the Can-Seer that has joined us in revelations!!

((((HUGZ)))) of deep gratitude and unrelentlessness Joy!!  Together!!!!

Lisa Gawlas

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A New Journey…. Begins.

On October 25th, 2012 I finally had a growth on the right side of my back (directly at the scapula area) removed.  It had been growing there for close to 2 years, a slow and stead progression that I allowed to take place.  It doesn’t matter the reasons, altho, I will state no money and no insurance is the only reason, but even that, no longer matters.  It went from a pink mass, that, in 2002 was a zit (pimple) that I wouldn’t leave alone.  I squished it until it was a petrified bump under my skin.  That is very much how I felt about life too…. a petrified zit that keeps poking at me, so why not return the favor.  Until I just stopped.  Forever.

By 2004, the petrified zit started to grow and change, so a Doctor froze it off.  We never did a pathology on it back then.  The least amount of service happens when you do not have insurance.  If I had, we might have known then that my zit was just as annoyed with me as I was with it… turning itself into a melanoma.

But, I didn’t know that.

At least, not until just after 3pm on November 1st, 2012 when my doctor called to tell me personally of the pathology report of the growth she removed on the 25th.  My doctor was in no way trying to be impersonal by giving me the news over the phone, quite the opposite really.  It was urgent.  I live an hour away from her office (or anything else for that matter.)

When she first looked at it in August of 2012, she thought for sure it was a non-worrisome seborrheic keratosis (it looked exactly like the bottom picture on that link, only much bigger, 2 years is a long time to grow.)  Once I got home and googled it, sure enough… it did!!  I had been worried it was a basal cell carcinoma… phew… relief.  She was willing to take it off in her office, but because of the huge size she had to order special materials to do it efficiently (especially since I am highly allergic to dissolving stitches.)

Thru my own procrastination, that thingie had til October 25th to grow deeper.

To tell you the truth, neither she (my doctor) nor I were prepared for the pathology results, would be an understatement   Due to the fact this thingie changed so much since she last seen it, she was now leaning towards my original thought of a basal cell.

I think some part of me left when she said the words malignant melanoma.  When the thingie on my back started to go from flat and reddish to scaly and thick, I started looking on google for what skin cancer looks like and to understand the various  kinds available.  Surely my body was not going to produce any sort of melanoma for me to deal with.   I held steady with both ores in the river of deNial!

Until… not only did my freakin ores drop into the river, so did my flipping boat!!

Level 4 malignant melanoma that had ulcerated and has a very high level of mitotic rate.  Most of which, meant nothing to me as she said it.  I was taking notes of the words she was saying more than hearing it all.

2% of the people with skin cancer hit this kind of lottery with their results.

My doctor did emphasize, over and over again that I need to get a full body scan to see if this deep skin tumor traveled elsewhere and set up other homes within me.  At that moment, I couldn’t even go there with her.  All I could say was… ok.

Shocked would be a super sized understatement of feeling within me upon hearing this news… even for the hours afterwards as I googled everything that I could process about all those words she said and I write down, were very bad on top of it being a malignant melanoma.  But I realized something so amazing that was actually absent within me.  I had no fear.  I couldn’t even take this to the victim mode of “why me” because I knew why!!!  I let it go for 2 years!!!  I started the process 10 years prior!!  A gift unto mySelf!!  (That really isn’t meant as sarcastically as it could be taken.)

My doctor had already talked to a melanoma specialist who was willing to take my “no money, no insurance case,”  this alone, a massive blessing!  She had already talked to him before calling me.  It really did add cushion to the blow.  My biggest fear would have been about money, not about a cancer that has been removed from my back.

Once I returned from the numb zone of hearing and really understanding this news, my first and most important choice was going to be: How to feel about this.

We are always in choice and there really is only two given choices in whatever situation we find ourselves in.  Love or fear.  I was clearly not afraid.   I couldn’t even pretend to be afraid.  So my only choice, given the lack of fear… is Love.

I am really feeling too, most people aren’t so much afraid of cancer as they are with death.  Cancer, for the most part, has become synonymous with death.  I am surely not afraid of death at all.  I have been Home many many times thru thousands upon thousands of hours of meditation.  Death is simply a change in venue, not an end to Life.

But I have no intention of checking out of this beautiful amazing place called Life on Earth.  I am Here for the long haul!!

On November 2nd I got the appointment with my (now) oncology surgeon to see what else we may find within me.  It is set for November 14th at 9am.  Let me be very clear on this, until then, until I get the results of whatever tests I will undergo… I know nothing except the cancer I did have has been removed.  I am not hanging out in the future worrying about tests that have not happened yet.  Just to be clear.  When I do know something, I will share it!  And then some!!

I also wanted to understand, how does cancer start?  What is it really?  The answer I found actually surprised me (yes, I was really cancer ignorant, even tho pretty much everyone on my mother’s side of the family has had some sort of cancer at east once.)  A mutation of my own cells, a rapid division of cells.

I have had psoriasis off and on since I was 17 (I am now 50) so I understood that very well.  That is exactly what happens with psoriasis  the skin cells grow so rapidly they do not have the time to fluff off.  Looks kinda gross, but is harmless.

I have decided, there is something special going on with my cells.  This is, after all, my body and it has something to say, to look at more deeply than ever before.  I love my body… we have been really good friends for 50 years now.  Altho, together, we have had our share of issues, together, we thrived and overcame them all.  This too, is my relationship with it now.

My choice is not to hate the fact that I produced cancer, but to love it for any and all reasons it has been produced.  To give it voice.  The way I look at it, if it has arrived in my life, it has something to express to it, to me, to anyone else who is living with cancer.

When you hear the word cancer, it rarely evokes feelings of love and appreciation.  Kind of like the word fat.  Call someone fat, they do not feel very loved, cancer no doubt, is the same way, only worse.  Say you have cancer and most people feel sorry for you.  That is NOT a healthy feeling at all.  It is more life draining than actually having cancer.

I have NOT been given a death sentence  I have been given a fact.  My zit from 10 years ago, became a cancer.  Period.  If it has indeed set up home elsewhere within me, I will love it too and honor it as I open the front and back doors for it leave from as well.

It’s mine, I WILL love it!!  Like I now love every zit that pushes itself out of my skin, every stinky flatulence I have ever tooted, every fowl smelling foot odor I ever removed from a well-worn sneaker.

Yes, my shit does stink, but I still very much love and appreciate my digestive system.  If I have something… there is a reason.  A good reason.  A God reason!!

So I had my first conversation with my cancer, to change its name to something lovable.  It took two days for me to hear its reply, but I heard it last evening: Can-Seer.  So from here on out, I will build an environment of love and appreciation for that which expresses thru me, as me: Can-Seer.

My greatest hope is to not only allow Can-Seer to be seen in the light of Loving change that it is, but for the divinity it is as well.  All of creation is an expression of God, so too is Can-Seer.  It can be no other way.

I invite everyone who desires, to join me in this amazing journey I am now walking.  Hold my hand, allow me to hold yours, share openly, honestly and only thru the heart of love.  We have a collective voice together and so does Can-Seer.  Lovingly going thru change… Together!

With deep and humble honor for all those living life!

((((HUGZ))))

Lisa Gawlas